Why Men Explode
Although women get angry just as often as men, rage remains the prototypical male emotion. "My kids still talk about my ’freak-outs, ’" says Kim Garretson, 54, a corporate strategist in Minneapolis, who once erupted into volcanic fury; in a restaurant when served a still-frozen entree. "I didn’t express much of anything, but once in a while, I’d just blow."
Why do so many men lose their tempers "The rage comes because there’s so much frustration when you cut off something that is you. Yet that’s what men do, because they’re afraid that if you give emotions an inch, they’ll take a mile," says psychologist Kenneth W. Christian, PhD, author of Your Own Worst Enemy. "If you don’t learn how to work with your emotions, you’re a shadow figure, a small incomplete version of yourself. It’s only a matter of time until the house of cards that you are falls apart."
For Kim Garretson, that day came four years ago when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. As often happens when illness strikes men, he realized he had nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by letting himself feel. "I’m no longer afraid of expressing almost any emotion," he says. "I get anger out with my quick, sharp tongue and move on. 1 use humor as an outlet, I’ve reconnected with old friends. 1 talk about the big questions of life. I search for spiritual meaning."
Guys, Try These
In his Dirty Harry days, Clint Eastwood never flinched. Now as a husband, father and Oscar-winning director of movies that explore the depths of men’s souls, the tough guy has turned tender — but not talkative. "The men who hide their emotions the most may, in fact be the most sensitive," observes Christian. Yet men can become more emotionally expressive without tears or fears. Here are some ways to start:
· Develop a creative outlet. Hobbies like painting or playing a musical instrument can tap into a man’s soul. Remember that much of the world’s greatest art, music and literature was created by the allegedly emotionally challenged sex.
· Release stress and anger through exercise. "When you get to the breaking point where you just want to put your head through a wall, taking a ten-minute time-out isn’t enough to calm down," says Westover, who in moments of extreme emotion finds a place to drop to the floor and do push-ups.
· Try expressing "a little" emotion. "Start with feelings you can control, find a sympathetic ear and use the term ’a little,’" suggests Coleman. Saying you feel "a little" sad or "a little" scared feels safer than a full declaration of vulnerability.
· Lean into the discomfort. "Rather than avoiding a feeling that you’re not sure how to handle, move toward it," says psychologist Travis Bradbury, PhD, co-author of The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book. "Learning to handle emotions takes time and practice, because you need to retrain your brain, but it does get easier." |